


One Does Not Simply Flirt With Karkat Vantas

by maria_j_harper



Category: Homestuck
Genre: #Just really fluffy smut, #Smut, #facepalm warning, #fluff, #sexy silly smut, #these two are such incredible dorks, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Plot? What plot? I see no plot!, also lots of Karkat being self-depricating, isn't he always?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-19 23:28:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1488109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maria_j_harper/pseuds/maria_j_harper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So this is based entirely off of this amazing roleplay I participated in a while back which I unfortunately did not get to finish. Even so, there were some great moments, and I wanted to share them, and so a fanfic was born!</p><p>Basically, John is feeling really horny right now, and he decides to finally tell Karkat his feelings towards him. Really, really fluffy, sexy, and also pretty funny (I think).</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Does Not Simply Flirt With Karkat Vantas

**Author's Note:**

> If YOU are the person who did this RP with me, playing as horny!ectobiologist, then please contact me so I can credit you as a co-author! (I changed some stuff, I hope that's okay.)  
> Otherwise, brace yourself for some facepalms, because seriously... look at these hopeless dorks.  
> This isn't explicitly underage, but John and Karkat are both minors in cannon and I figured I'd tag it just in case.

John stood outside Karkat’s door. Deep breaths, windy boy. His hand went to knock on the door, stopped, dropped to his side. No. He couldn’t chicken out now.  
He’d been having those dreams again. The Karkat dreams. Just thinking about his adorably snarky troll friend was enough to make his palms ache. Ache to touch him, hold him... Yeah, he had it bad.  
And today John was finally going to say it. It was time. Time to risk it all, bet the farm, and put all his cards on the table. But first he had to find the courage to knock.

Karkat heard a knock at the door. He put down the ~ATH book he had been reading and went to answer it. John stood outside the door with a sort of nervous look about him. Karkat’s brow knit together in confusion. John had visited Karkat before, movie night was kind of a regular thing for them now, but this time something was different. He smelled kind of strange.

Fuck, there he was. Okay Egbert, stay calm, you’ve gotta play it cool. “Hey Karkitty.”  
Karkat scowled at him. “John, what is the meaning of this nickname? I expect this sort of thing from Nepeta or Dave, but I thought you, at least, were better than that.”  
“What?” John said with his trademark buck-toothed grin and a casual tone. “It’s cute! Like you.”  
Even as Karkat stood aside to permit him entrance to the house, he snarled at his guest. “I am not cute.”  
“Yes you are, you’re adorable.” John made his way to the living room, but instead of flopping down on the couch as per usual, he stopped and turned towards Karkat. Dave’s advice echoed in his mind. Okay, remember, when it comes to all things romance you just gotta ask yourself: What would a Strider do? 

“Hey Karkat, are you the Knight of blood?”  
“I suppose that is the heroic title that I have in no way earned, yes.” Karkat growled.  
“Because when I’m around you my blood pressure rises.” John gave what he hoped was a suggestive smile.  
“Wait what?” Karkat said, startled. What the fuck was going on here? If he didn’t know any better, he’d say that Egbert was flirting with him. Of course that was impossible. There were so, so many reasons why that was not the thing that was happening here.  
“You know what else rises?” John asked, leaning forward.  
Karkat took a step back. “No.”  
“My dick.”  
“I do NOT know what that is, nor do I want to.” Karkat said, taking another step back.  
“My bulge.” John translated.  
“What? No. No.” Karkat said emphatically. Hormones. That was why John smelled strange. He was a veritable cocktail of human hormones.  
“Yes.”  
“John, have you been drinking some of Rose’s sopoforics?”  
“No.”  
“Are you sure?” Karkat asked skeptically. “You’re acting nothing like yourself.”  
“Yes, I’m pretty sure.” Karkat was right, he had been an idiot to think that would work. Why the hell had he asked Strider for romantic advice anyways?  
“Oh, I know! It’s that prankster holiday! Wait... No, that’s April First isn’t it?”  
“I’m not pranking you!” John protested, a little indignantly.  
“Then why the hell are you talking like that?”  
“Because you’re nice and funny and cute.” Yes, honesty was the best policy. There you go Egderp, just be yourself.  
“No, I’m really not.”  
“Yes you are!”  
“I am NOT nice! I gave your universe cancer for gog’s sake!”  
“Karkat, shoosh.”  
“Do not shoosh me, you infuriating, quadrant blurring steaming pile of moist lusus offal!”  
“You can’t blame yourself for that. You’ve got to stop making everything your fault.”  
“Everything IS my fault! I’ll keep blaming myself, and you can’t stop me!”  
“Shoosh.”  
“Okay, stop it! I have a moirail, and this amount of pale flirting is just obscene! In fact you do not get to do any kind of flirting until you learn to do it properly!”  
“So how do I do it properly?” John asked grinning.  
“Well for pale flirting-”  
“Actually... I was wondering more about red flirting.” John didn’t normally like to interrupt people, but if Karkat got going on a quadrant rant he would never stop.  
“Well... compliments are a good start, but if you move straight on to a lewd joke the way you did then you just look like a douche.”  
“Okay, sorry.” John said.  
“The better next step is to start finding reasons to touch them- who ever it is you’re flirting with. Sit next to them so your knees touch, fix their hair, that sort of thing. Listen to their rants, laugh at their dumb jokes, make them feel like the only person in the world.”  
“Okay, thanks! You see, you are nice!”  
“Really? At what point was I ever nice to you John? That advice does not count, I was merely doing the whole world a little fucking favor.”  
“That sounds like a nice thing to me! Aside from that, well... um... you’ve helped me a lot, and you didn’t really mean any of the mean things you said did you?”  
“...No. Apart from you being a giant dork, I actually think you’re pretty cool.” Karkat admitted.  
“See?”  
“But I still said them. Just because I didn’t mean the things I said, that doesn’t make them unsaid.”  
“Yeah, but I knew you were just blowing steam!” John said, in a tone that some might have called affectionate. Not that Karkat was one of those people.  
“I still refuse to believe that “nice” is a descriptor I qualify for. You’re nice. Maybe, if I’d been a nice leader like you, things wouldn’t have gone as wrong as they did.” Karkat leaned himself against the living room wall.  
“Karkat, you’ve got to stop blaming yourself for everything!” John argued.  
Karkat pretended he hadn’t spoken. “Take the thing with Gamzee for example, you probably would have been nice to him from the beginning. If you were in my place, you probably would have been able to calm him down before all that shit with the chucklevoodoos even transpired. You see? If you look at it long enough, sooner or later everything that’s gone wrong is my gog damn fault.”  
And then, as though it were never even there to begin with John closed the gap between them, leaned down and kissed Karkat. Bucked teeth collided with dull fangs in his inexperienced rush.  
Karkat pushed away, mind racing. “What the hell did you do that for?” He snarled, showing his fangs.  
This was not okay. Johns were not allowed to kiss Karkats. None of the Johns. None of them. That just wasn’t how their messed up frog universe worked. Johns were supposed to go find nice Vriskas or Roxies or... who ever made them happy, and Karkats were supposed to be alone. That was how it was supposed to go.  
John’s gaze had dropped, as though after the boldness of the kiss he was now extra shy. “Isn’t that what you do when you have red feelings toward someone?” He inquired, blue eyes looking up through dark lashes.  
“You? Me? Red feelings? No. No no!” Karkat said, head spinning.  
“...Why not?”  
“Because you deserve way, way better. No. I am a controlling, self-hating asshole, who deserves absolutely shit, and you need to just not, okay? You must just be confused. Look at you! You’re a human cocktail of hormones and pheromones. You are just confused and horny, and you’ll take it all back tomorrow. And don’t even try to deny that you’re horny by the way, I can smell it. You’re like a musclebeast in heat.”  
“Shoosh.”  
“Gog damn you Egbert, with your quadrant blurring antics and your pan-rotted pranks, and coming in for that kiss so fast your freaky teeth practically made me lose a fang! I swear, do I have to teach you how to kiss properly too?” Karkat raged.  
“Yes.”  
Oh. Fuck. He had actually said that.  
Fuck.  
Well... it’s just a kiss, right? Karkat closed his eyes and kissed John softly, having to crane his neck slightly due to their height difference. John kissed him back, and his bloodpusher temporarily forgot to function. Yeah. This was what he had been afraid of. He hadn’t been scared of kissing John, he’d been scared of how much he’d wanted to kiss John. Gog, he’d really done it now! But he was enjoying it too much to stop. Eventually, he pulled away. The kiss must have messed with his head, because the next thing he said was “Well that was...” Nice, he wanted to say, really nice. “A start. I think we’ll need more practice.” What the hell? Where the hell had that come from?  
But suddenly he didn’t care because John’s mouth was on his again, and thinking became very difficult. And just when Karkat thought that things couldn’t get any more bizarre, John backed away, looked him in the eye, and said with utter sincerity “I love you.”

“Oh.” Karkat felt like a deer caught in headlights. His head was racing a hundred miles an hour, but he couldn’t make anything come out of his mouth. His bloodpusher was pumping so fast he could feel it in his hands. “Uh... I.” What was he even supposed to say? He was supposed to say something about how he felt right? That the feeling was mutual? Was it? It must be, right? He wouldn’t be acting like a pan-rotted grub if it wasn’t. “I think-” But was that really grounds enough to say the words? Yes. No. Maybe? Fuck. “I think I love you too.” He finally managed. He felt himself blushing, redder than a beet. “Sorry.”  
“What are you sorry for?”  
“That was a pretty shit response. Only marginally better than a negative one really.”  
John looked a bit confused. “What are you saying exactly?”  
Karkat turned away from him and massaged his brow. “I’m saying that those rom-coms I like so much are pretty much shit because here I am in a situation where they might be useful and I’m acting like a think-sponge stunted loser!” Karkat growled.  
John giggled. “You’re adorable.”  
“Yeah right. John, of all the descriptors that may apply to me, adorable sure as fuck isn’t one of them.” Karkat snarled. He was tempted to mention being “adorabloodthirsty” but no... that had been his and Terezi’s thing. It would be weird to turn it into his and John’s thing. What ever the fuck this thing with Egbert was, it wasn’t a rebound. John deserved better than that. Instead he added “I’m about as adorable as creepy-as-shit Equius.”  
John just giggled some more.  
“Wait, shit isn’t that creepy. Creepy as the shit you shat a month ago, covered in mold and sewer debris and no, now that’s just gross.”  
“Ew.” John agreed through his laughter.  
“Well it’s finally happened! I have failed in the art of the extended graphic metaphor. My failure brings shame to my ancestor and the lusus that raised me. I’m sorry John, I have no choice now but to throw myself on my own scythe, like the old slampoets of yore.” Karkat said dramatically.  
“Karkat, no, don’t!”  
“It was a fucking joke. Now you see why I refute your claims that I am ‘funny’.” Karkat said, putting sarcastic air quotes around the word “funny.”  
John giggled and began kissing him again, pressing Karkat’s back gently against the wall. Karkat, with only a bit of hesitation, flicked out his tongue, moistening John’s lips as they parted for him and he explored John’s mouth. The troll’s black tongue brushed against the human’s prominent white teeth.  
Eventually, Karkat spoke, mumbling in between kisses. “I suppose we should probably go... do leaderly things. I could write a memo... that no one takes seriously. Nah.”  
“We could watch a movie.” John suggested.  
“Yeah, okay.”  
“How about Con Air?”  
“I thought you hated that movie now.”  
“Yeah.” John had kind of forgotten that he’d outgrown that movie. He was so used to it being his go-to flick. “Well, what about a rom-com?”  
“The ones we just established were shit? Sure, why not. Just pick whatever one you want, I’ve seen them all a hundred times each anyways.” Karkat grumbled.  
“Let’s see... what about Failure to Launch?”  
“No, not that one.” Karkat said like the contradictory controlling little shit he wa-  
“Okay, Hitch then?”  
John... really didn’t seem to care that Karkat had told him “pick whatever” and then shot down his very first suggestion. Wow. Karkat felt a rush of affection toward his... friend? Human boyfriend? Matesprit? Whatever he was, he made Karkat’s bloodpusher suddenly feel like it was made out of cotton candy, fluffy and melty at the same time. He realized he was supposed to respond. He shrugged. “Far be it from me to deny the talents of Troll Will Smith.” He said casually. It was funny, he’d seen trolls turn into giggling fools around their matesprits. He was surprised at how normal he was acting. He was acting exactly how he normally did on movie nights with John.  
He went and found the movie grub and plugged it into the television set on the other side of the living room. He let himself plop down on the couch and used the remote control to make the movie start. John sat down next to him.  
It was just like usual. Normally this was around the time that Karkat, since he’d seen it before, would get up while the movie played to make popcorn. He might have even gone and done it, if John hadn’t started kissing him again.  
Practice was definitely paying off. John had the makings of a great kisser really, though perhaps Karkat was a little biased on the subject. He broke his mouth away from John’s, laying kisses across his round cheek, making his way up to just below the temple. He leaned in to murmur in John’s ear. “I love you.” He was sure of that now. Who else could make his heart feel like cotton candy?  
“I love you too.”  
“It feels weird to say that.” Karkat pondered. “I guess because I’ve never really said it before. I’ll just have to keep saying it until I get used to it.”  
“Yep.”  
Karkat stayed at John’s ear for a moment. It was strange, the little things he fixated on. “Your cartilage nubs are really small, even for a human.” He commented, reaching his hand up to play with the ear, brushing over the tip with his index finger.  
“Your nubs are pretty small too for a troll!” John pointed out.  
Karkat sat back, nudging his companion with his elbow. “Yeah, well I’m a mutant, what’s your excuse?”  
John giggled, but then became more serious, moving towards Karkat slightly. “Can I touch them?”  
Karkat shrugged. “Sure.”  
John reached toward Karkat’s head with his hand, but instead of going to touch his ears, his hand traveled further upward and brushed against one of Karkat’s horns. Karkat immediately flailed, taking John’s hand away from his head by hitting his arm against his and knocking it away.  
“What the fuck Egbert, I thought we were talking about auditory orifice nubs here! I thought I made that very clear!” He snarled.

“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to- I’m really sorry.” John said contritely. Shit, he’d screwed up bad. He’d violated Karkat’s trust. He tried to gauge how angry Karkat was.  
Karkat took a deep breath. “You don’t have to be sorry. You caught me by surprise, that’s all. ...You can touch them if you want.” After all, it was only natural for John to be curious. Karkat had just overreacted. Right?  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yeah, just be really gentle, okay? They’re really sensitive because they’re so small.” Karkat clearly remembered the pain of scratching the tip of his horn on the roof of a small cave once, a cave that his lusus had shoved him into when Her Majesty’s Culling Drones came by for a hive inspection. The raw spot had lasted for three weeks before it healed over.  
John reached up and ran his fingers over the outside edge of one horn, touch so feather light it was hardly there. Karkat squirmed, elbowing John. “Fuck! Okay, not that gentle Egbert, that tickles!” He said, showing his fangs again. “I do not like getting tickled.” He added venomously. Then he did a facepalm times one combo. “Why did I tell you that? Well now I know what I’m getting for April Idiot’s Day! Lots. And lots. Of tickles.”  
“Yup.” John beamed at him and gave him a quick kiss on the mouth. Then he tried touching Karkat’s horn again, this time making solid, yet gentle contact. The surface of his horn was slippery-smooth like marble, but much warmer and lighter feeling than marble was. Curiously, he stroked it a few times, then let his fingers follow it down into Karkat’s mess of hair, exploring where the base of his horn met his scalp.  
Karkat was glad that John couldn’t see his face. His eyelids fluttered as he let out a quiet sigh of pleasure. Some part of him took a moment to marvel at this. He was known for being the most sexually repressed of his friends. Yet somehow he, Karkat, whose reaction to seeing a bucket was to have a mental breakdown, was allowing someone to touch his horns. Not just someone. John Egbert, Egderp, prank master supreme was stroking his horns. In a way, he might add, that was making his nook tingle. It must be love.  
“You know, Karkat, your horns look like candy corn.”  
“What the fuck is candy corn?” Karkat demanded, though his usual demeanor was difficult to maintain. John had stopped rubbing his horns, and it took him a moment to return to reality. “Does it have something to do with grain vegetable on a cob?” Karkat usually left the aristocratic words like “corn” to the high-bloods.  
“It’s a candy!”  
“Why is it called candy corn?”  
“It looks kind of like corn I guess.”  
“So my horns look like grain vegetables? Oh seduce me with your sweet-talk, you Casa-fucking-nova.”  
“No. It’s difficult to explain. They’re triangular, with three colors: reddish at the bottom, orange in the middle, and yellow at the top. Like you horns.”  
“Oh. Well I doubt that my horns taste like candy of any kind, though I don’t know for sure.”  
John’s eyes sparkled mischieviously. “I suppose there’s only one way to find out. You know, in the name of Ectobiology.” He shifted his body so he could reach his head up and lick Karkat’s horn carefully.  
Karkat couldn’t help it, he moaned softly. Immediately, John stopped. “Sorry.” Karkat found himself saying. “That just felt... really nice. You don’t have to keep doing it if you don’t want to.” He added.  
“Do you want me to stop?”  
“Well... it did feel really, really good, but you can if you want to. We can stop right here and just kiss some more and watch the movie and I wouldn’t hold it against you.” Karkat promised, even though his now fully awakened libido begged to differ.  
John hesitated. He really hadn’t thought about how far he’d wanted this to go and clearly it had already gone farther than he’d meant it to. But why not? He really wanted to make Karkat happy, to see Karkat happy. Deliberately, he licked Karkat’s horn lengthways from base to tip. Karkat sucked in his breath sharply and let out a shaky sigh through his mouth. “They don’t taste like candy corn.” John observed. The horns didn’t really taste like anything, though the texture was pleasant on his tongue.  
“Yeah?” Karkat challenged, smiling despite himself. He turned his face upward so he could make a long lick the side of John’s face, starting at the corner of his jaw and ending at his temple. “Well your ridiculous pink skin doesn’t taste like cotton candy either.” With that, he settled himself against John, head resting on his chest.  
John began licking one of Karkat’s horns, and Karkat moaned again, pressing his body closer. “You know, we’re missing the movie.” Karkat pointed out.  
“Do you want me to stop?”  
“No.”  
“I love you Kit-Kat.” John mumbled into Karkat’s hair.  
“And I love you, Egderp.” Karkat said with a slight smile. Stop the presses, Karkat was smiling! “But... why? The last I heard you were ‘not a homosexual.’ Whatever that means.”  
John grimaced ruefully. “Yeah. A lot of humans- not me, but some, have this idea in their head that since only a girl and a guy can make a kid, it’s wrong for people to have feelings for those of the same gender.”  
“That’s really fucking stupid.”  
“I know. I always I was fine with those sorts of people, as long as they weren’t me. But eventually, as I got to know you and you taught me about how your society works, I kind of came to realize that gender is a really stupid thing to restrict who you can or can’t love. Though it took me a while to admit it to myself, I realized I love you. You just... make me really happy Karkat.”  
Karkat snorted. “Have you seen me around you? It’s really hard for me to stay grumpy around you. You’re going to ruin my whole image Egbert! People will see me and say “Who is that troll going around grinning like a maniacal pan-rotted wriggler? Karkat Vantas? No! It can’t be!”  
John giggled. “Yeah, well that’s just too bad then isn’t it?” He asked, leaning in close.  
Karkat kissed John with tender passion, carefully, always carefully. Humans were different from trolls. Even dull fangs could really spoil the mood if he accidentally hurt John. He had to be careful. He never wanted to hurt John. Never. “Gog. You’re so... please tell me this is real.”  
“Yeah, it’s real.” John smiled. Karkat at a loss for words? His heart felt like it might burst with the affection that he felt for this crabby troll.  
“It’s just... I’m not allowed to be this happy. It’s one of this fucked up frog-verse’s fucking empirical laws. I’m not allowed to be this happy. So either this is some kind of an elaborate fucking prank, the best dream I’ve ever fucking had, or the whole fucking amphibian universe is about to implode.”  
“Not a dream. Not a prank. I would never do that, pranks like that are just cruel.”  
“Oh. Good. Well at least I’ll die happy then.”  
John chuckled. “You’re not going to die.”  
They stopped talking and John began licking Karkat’s horns again. As John’s tongue circled the tip of one horn, and then ran down the side of the other, it triggered an aching in Karkat’s groin that made him realize that he should shift his position before things became uncomfortable for both of them. Wordlessly, he shifted his weight to his arms so he could spread out his legs over John’s own. He curled up in John’s lap, head once again resting on the taller boy’s chest.  
John continued his stimulation of Karkat’s horns, and Karkat thought to himself that John’s lack of experience was probably a good thing because he doubted he could have handled much more than this. Hell, he could hardly take it as it was. Fuck! It was time to switch tactics before he needed a bucket right here and now.  
He tilted his head back and kissed John on the mouth softly. “That feels really good.” He said, voice unusually soft. “So what would feel nice for you?”  
“Um I dunno, you don’t have to do anything.” John said.  
“Come on Egbert, don’t make me feel like the asshole for not reciprocating. Besides, maybe I want to, did you think of that, airhead?” Karkat demanded, straightening his spine so he could look at John’s face. It was a very nice face. “For example, as undoubtedly high in sucrose that godteir hoodie of yours is, I find myself very curious about what’s under it.”  
John grinned. “You want to see me without my badass windsock hoodie huh?”  
“Yes. For science.”  
“Well obviously.”  
Somewhere in the background, the man that Troll Will Smith had been trying to help spilled mustard on his shirt. At some point, one of the boys had unintentionally muted the television set. Neither of them seemed to notice or care.  
Karkat changed his position so that he straddled John’s legs, facing him. He hooked his long fingers under the hem of the hoodie and pulled it up over John’s head with ease. Karkat was tempted to laugh. Instead he smirked. “Weirdo human.”  
“How am I a weirdo?” John demanded indignantly.  
“Hm, let me count the ways.” Karkat said, making John giggle. “No vestigial grub legs for one.” He remarked, running his hand up John’s strangely smooth side, from his waist to his slightly prominent rib cage. “Of course I’d probably be equally as weird to you.” He took off his own shirt.  
John examined him, and brought his fingertips to three lateral marks along Karkat’s side. “What are these?”  
“That’s where my legs used to be when I was a grub.I guess they’re somewhat equivalent to that.” Karkt said, indicating John’s bellybutton, adding, “I’m assuming that’s the vestigial nutrient valve you humans have leftover from nesting inside your mothers. But... what the fuck are these things?” He added, pointing to one of the two strange growths over John’s pectoral muscles. They were small and round and pink. Just then, the cold of the air after the warmth of the hoodie made both nipples contract, puckering so that their tips became jutting points in a little circle of pink goosebumps.  
“Oh. those are my nipples.”  
“John, please stop trying to tell me things by using words I don’t understand.” Karkat said in a tone that sounded like he was trying to keep his temper.  
“Sorry. Well on girls they’re for feeding babies, but... on guys they don’t really do anything.”  
“And you ask me why I say you’re weird! Nipples? Even the word is weird!” Karkat could have said more, but the weirdness of the mammal that nurtures its child from within was a discussion for another day. He flicked the tip of one nipple with one finger curiously.  
John giggled, looking a bit embarrassed. “Yeah, I guess so. They’re really sensitive, like your horns.”  
“Like my horns? So... if I did this it would feel kind of good?” Karkat took his hand and rubbed it over John’s pectoral, brushing his nipple with the palm of his hand.  
“Y-yeah.” John said, voice shaky. It in fact, felt really good. It was as though there was some kind of string connecting his chest and his groin, and Karkat had tugged on it, hard.  
“And if I did this?” Karkat inquired, running his tongue over John’s nipple.  
John let out a gasp. “F-fuck! Karkat!” He moaned his lover’s name.  
Karkat hesitated. Was that moan one of pleasure? It was hard to tell. “Do you want me to stop?” He worried.  
“Um. If you want to.”  
Karat licked John’s nipple again. John groaned. Karkat switched to John’s other nipple, licking it once, and then taking into experimentally in his mouth.  
John’s hips bucked as a bolt of pleasure ran through his body like fire, so hot it almost felt cold. “K-Karkat!” He reached a hand up to massage one of Karkat’s horns, running his tongue over the other. Pleasure made his licks a bit sloppy, then stop for a moment as Karkat sucked gently on his nipple and oh god, he moaned so loudly he thought that they could probably hear it all the way in the dreambubbles.  
Presented with an idea, John did to Karkat’s horn what had just been done to him. As he slipped his mouth over the striped horn, Karkat let out a long, low sigh that turned into a moan, which then turned into a cry of pleasure as John sucked on Karkat’s horn. “Oh......nnh...Ah! Oh gog, John! Ha! Unfff-fuck!” Karkat exclaimed, whole body wriggling slightly at the sensation. Then he stopped. “John. Your bulge seems to have uh... taken an ardent interest in my leg.” Karkat’s face was as red as it could get, color spreading from the tips of his ears all the way down into his neck.  
John stopped, blushing as well. “Sorry.”  
“No need to apologise.” Karkat said, unable to maintain eye contact in his embarrassment. “Things have been getting pretty intense. It’s a perfectly natural to have a...” Gog, he couldn’t even say it. “Man reaction.”  
That made John smile. Karkat loved his dorky smile. His teeth, which had at first seemed like a flaw, Karkat now found absolutely adorable. “Yeah, but it’s embarrassing.”  
Karkat found himself smiling- for the second time that day! This had to be some kind of record! -To make John feel better. “Why? I’ve had one for a while now, I just tried not to let you notice because I didn’t want to freak you out.” Karkat admitted.  
“Why would I be freaked out?”  
“You practically had a heart attack when you realized what you were doing by touching my horns, don’t tell me you wouldn’t be a little freaked out if our current positions were reversed.”  
“...Maybe. At first. I’d get over it though.”  
Karkat kissed John on the mouth, then traced a trail of kisses right down the center of his chest, all the way down to his stomach. He licked each nipple sensually, and then brought his mouth back to John’s lips, savoring the sensation of his soft open mouth. “I love you. A lot. I want to just.... kiss you everywhere and just.... What was the word? Humans had this really great word for it. Way better than anything trolls have got. Oh yeah, I remember now. John, if you draw the line then I won’t cross it until you want me to, I swear. But right now I just really, really want to make love to you.” Karkat held John’s blue eyes in his own golden ones.  
“Yeah. I want to make love to you too.” They smiled at each other and kissed, lovingly, hungrily.  
“Oh. Good.” Karkat managed to say. Their mouths stayed glued to each other, even as Karkat raised himself up to his knees so he could slip out of his pants. Then his head traveled down to lick at John’s nipples.  
“Hey Karkat?”  
“Yes?” Karkat did his best to keep the worry out of his voice, but he couldn’t keep his paranoid thoughts at bay. He’s worried things are going too fast. He’s changed his mind. He’s sleepy, he has a headache, he has to go renovate cantown, or else... he’s in love with someone else after all.  
“You want to go up to the bedroom?”  
Right. The spare bedroom, across the hall from Karkat’s respiteblock, used frequently when John fell asleep watching a movie at his house, and had to be carried up to the double bed before the couch could inflict too much damage to his spine. Probably a much better location than where they were now. Of course.  
...And the award for fewer brains than a retarded cluckbeast goes to... Karkat Vantas!  
“Yeah. Let’s do that.”  
Karkat got up and picked up the discarded clothing. He turned off the television on his way to the stairs. John followed him up to the guest room, where Karkat tossed the clothes into the laundry basket in the corner. He turned to John, who was smiling at him. “What? I don’t like leaving shit lying around.” He explained.  
John giggled. They both sat on the foot of the neatly made bed and began to kiss. Brief smooches turned into lingering kisses, which in turn lead Karkat to explore John’s mouth with his tongue. Eventually he spoke. “You know,” He said, voice breathy. “It seems a bit unfair, you with your pants still on and me here in nothing but my underwear. Perhaps we had better errect this situation.”  
John broke away, bending over laughing. “Oh my fucking god.”  
“Fuck. Correct. I meant correct. Correct the situation. Is what we’d better do.”  
John gave Karkat a teasing lopsided grin. “You’re going to ‘errect’ the situation are you?”  
Karkat shrugged. Two could play at the teasing game. Assuming his Freudian slip didn’t attack again. “Well I figured as long as we’re both here we might as well inbulge. Fuck. Indulge. Gog damn it!”  
“Oh my fucking god.” John repeated, now laughing uncontrollably.  
What was it about John Egbert that brought out Karkat’s tendency to say these things? He facepalmed, exasperation great enough to allow for a times two combo. “I’m just going to stop talking now.” He quietly removed John’s pijama-like pants. Both boys sat there at the foot of the bed in nothing but their underwear. Karkat resisted making a comment about John’s ghostbuster boxers. He had just promised to keep his idiotic nutrition trap shut after all.  
John leaned forward and kissed the side of Karkat’s head. Karkat looked up at him, and a small smile of gratitude flickered on his lips before he pulled John into a long kiss. “Karkat, You’re adorable. You are the adorablest. It is you.”  
Karkat continued kissing John, but couldn’t help retorting. “Yeah, see, I have empirical evidence that the opposite of that is the thing that is true, if only because, if one of us were to be labeled ‘adorable,’ it would definitely be you. Oh look at that! I made a rhyme! It had a fucking rhythm scheme and everything!”  
John shook his head, grinning playfully. “I’m not adorable, I’m manly as fuck.” He said a little indignantly.  
“John, the word fuck does not provide sufficient manly characteristics to provide any kind of analogy in this situation, you know that right?”  
“It’s a figure of speech.”  
“Fine, whatever, just kiss me.” Karkat kissed John, breathing in the smell of him. Again, he was really struck with just how much he loved this boy. “I don’t know ho humans work, so if you want me to do something different you’re going to have to tell me, okay?” He murmured.  
“Okay.”  
As their tongues slid together, Karkat allowed one hand to travel over John’s nipple, over his abdominal muscles, down to the waistband of his underwear. He hesitated, then when John made no move to stop him, he slid his hand into John’s underwear and stroked the tips of his fingers along his dick.  
John broke their kiss to let out a moan. “F-fuck, Karkat!”  
Taking this as a good sign, Karkat reached farther in to wrap his fingers around John’s dick and stroked him again, elliciting another moan. Karkat nuzzled John’s chin until his mouth found the human’s, and kissed him lovingly. Together, they lied out on the bed, kissing. Karkat’s hand left John’s groin, making him give a small cry of protest.  
Together, they worked to remove John’s underwear, freeing his erection from its cotton confines. Karkat stopped to look at John’s naked body in its entirety. Then he gave Jonh a small smile and moved in to kiss his waiting mouth.  
“You know,” Karkat said, “I figured this would be the weirdest part, but somehow... it’s perfect. You’re perfect.”  
John smiled at him. “I think you’re perfect too.”  
Even as Karkat ran his hands over John’s body in its perfect weirdness, he snorted. “Yeah right, more like not.”  
“Shoosh.”  
“John, I love you, but you really have to stop shooshing me. My moirail never used to be the jealous type, but that was before he became a crazy murder clown.”  
“I’ll stop shooshing you when you stop blaming yourself for every single thing.”  
“John, I’m the leader. That means that anything that goes wrong, or could have gone wrong and did go wrong in another timeline, is inherently my fault.” This is stupid. Why are you arguing with him when you could be kissing him? Karkat asked himself.  
“No, it’s really not.”  
“I think we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this one.” And before he could protest further, Karkat kissed John tenderly. Carefully, always carefully, he caressed John’s dick, setting a slow tempo to his rhythmic strokes.  
“F-fuck, Karkat!”  
Karkat smiled in the kiss and moved his mouth down so his tongue could run over John’s nipple. John moaned loudly, and he reached up to stroke Karkat’s horns. His hand settled on one, while his soft mouth found the other.  
Karkat wanted him so much it hurt, and he couldn't hold back much longer. He removed his horns from John’s grasp so he could kiss him on the mouth. Then he got off the bed and stood so he could remove his underwear. His bulge writhed with extreme arousal, and his nook felt slippery wet as he walked back towards the bed. As much as it would kill him to stop now, he had to check.  
“What I said still stands. We can stop any time, just say the word.”  
“Why would I do that?” John asked, eyes full of love and desire.  
Karkat crawled over the bed until he straddled John and leaned in to kiss him. “I don’t know, weird, scary alien bulge?” First times could be scary, Karkat had heard, and this was definitely a first, for both of them. Just because Karkat wasn't scared didn't mean John wouldn't be.  
John quieted his worries with an enthusiastic kiss. Deliberately, Karkat moved his hips so that John’s dick slid toward his nook. He pressed himself down onto John’s dick, and both boys issued a moan. Lifting himself up, and then lowering himself down, Karkat slowly built up friction between himself and his partner.  
John’s enraptured face changed to one of surprise as Karkat’s prehensile bulge found its way around to his ass. Carefully, Karkat watched John’s face as his bulge entered him gingerly. He kept the rhythm with his body, picking up the pace a little. His pulge pulsed and throbbed, until it found what it was looking for.  
Abandoning all reservations, John cried out in pleasure, shouting Karkat’s name. Faster now, faster, and John’s hips bucked up to meet Karkat’s thrusts and grinding. They were inside each other, and it was wonderful and sweet and perfect, and oh god, they were both panting hard in anticipation, gasping and moaning in unison. John came first, and Karkat rushed to un-captchalog a bucket, lifting himself up onto his knees, moving it between his legs just in time to catch the slurry. Re-captchaloging it almost immediately, he collapsed on top of John, snuggling into his chest with a little hum of contentment.  
“Hi” John said. With his ear next to the boy’s chest, Karkat could hear his vocal cords vibrate as he spoke.  
“Hey fuckwad.” Karkat greeted back.  
“So, how are you today.”  
“Good. Fucking great in fact.”  
“One might even say you were...”  
“Oh gog, you’re about to make a horrible pun aren’t you?”  
“Vantastic.”  
“I hate you.”  
John gasped, as though scandalized. “Why Karkat, I never expected such brazen calligenous solicitation from the likes of you!”  
“How do you even have the energy to move your idiotic mouth? I’m ready to just lie here for about a week.” Karkat snarled weakly. Despite his surly banter, drowsy contentment washed over him, weighing him down like a blanket of warm snow.  
“I could ask you the same question Karkitty.”  
“It’s my mutant powers. Some people get strength, some people get to shapeshift, me? I get a motormouth that can out-rant anyone this side of paradoxspace.”  
Karkat looked up at John’s face to find that the boy had fallen asleep. Gently, he removed John’s glasses and placed them on the nightstand next to the bed. Then he rested his head once again on John’s chest. He quietly drank in the warmth of John’s skin and the sounds of his body’s inner workings: his heart beating, his lungs inhaling and exhaling, and all the strange sounds that came from his gastric system.  
Slowly, Karkat drifted off into a deep, untroubled sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Love it? Hate it? Meh? What could I do to make it better? Please leave comments!


End file.
